Uncle Sirius
by SerenityBlaidd
Summary: Set after DH, Sirius has been rescued from The Veil and has sent Harry a letter, asking him to visit him and his new girlfriend, who just happens to be Harry's Aunt Marge. I have NO EXCUSE for this terrible piece of writing, except that I wanted to see if I was capable of writing it. I may start a series of really horrible pairings. Ch. 2 Remus/Umbridge? Anyone? No? ...Anyone?
1. Chapter 1

Despite considering himself an adult, and one that had dealt with a fair amount of suffering in his young life, Harry did actually devote an entire afternoon to publicly shouting like a toddler, and privately sobbing like a newborn infant with severe colic, on the day that he found out his beloved godfather, Sirius Black, and his Aunt Marge were living together.

There were so many things that offended Harry about this that he didn't even know where to begin. For a start, Sirius was only thirty six; he was tall dark and handsome, he possessed a vast fortune and was the heir of a powerful and ancient Wizarding family.

Aunt Marge was a fat, ugly old beast who had, when she'd ever bothered to acknowledge Harry's existence, spent her time belittling or tormenting him.

Ginny, who had a 'Weasley' sense of humour, insisted they must take up Sirius' invitation to visit.

.

Sirius was now living in Aunt Marge's house, because she didn't want to move, and apparently Sirius didn't care where he lived, at least according to Aunt Marge.

Aunt Marge was as fat and ugly as ever. She was wearing a tweed skirt that dug into the ample rolls of fat around her waist, a prickly woolen jumper and a silk scarf, that made her red face, hot and sweaty. Apparently she would rather be outside, and refused to change her clothes just to accommodate the unwanted indoor environment.

She looked, Harry thought, like Uncle Vernon in drag.

.

Sirius, now recovered from his time in Azkaban, was long legged and handsome. Even to a perfectly straight chap, as Harry was, Sirius was clearly, _shockingly_ handsome. He was broad shouldered and narrow-waisted. He had thick black hair, which fell elegantly into intense silvery eyes, fringed with excessively long dark lashes and his lips were pouty in a way that no woman's make-up would ever manage to recreate. It was an almost girlish loveliness, offset nicely by designer stubble, a strong manly jaw and chiselled cheekbones.

Sirius yawned a lot while Aunt Marge talked and _talked,_ mostly about what an idiot Harry was as a child, and how wonderful his cousin 'Dudders' was.

Harry bristled.

Ginny listened with faux politeness.

Sirius yawned more.

Aunt Marge prodded him occasionally, when she mentioned him in conversation.

'_Why?_' Harry wanted to cry, and maybe beat his fists on the dirty and slightly chewed coffee table. '_Why have you done this horrible thing, Sirius!?_'

Ginny grinned brightly at him, interrupting Aunt Marge's flow to demand a retelling of the day Ripper chased a young Harry up a tree and kept him there till he'd wet himself.

Sirius yawned again, smiled at Harry's pleading green eyes, and went to sleep with his head on the arm of the sofa, were he snoozed happily until Aunt Marge noticed. With a booming laugh, she hauled him firmly to his feet, convinced that the poor boy, and Sirius probably did seem like a boy to Aunt Marge, who Harry thought must be at least forty, was suffering from low blood-sugar and must be fed and given tea with a lot of whiskey in.

Apparently all Sirius' ills could be cured thus.

Aunt Marge messed his elegantly floppy hair, admiringly, and shoved him into a seat at the table.

Sirius straightened his hair and submitted to being praised for eating and coaxed into getting drunk.

According to Aunt Marge, if it wasn't for her homemade cake and ample supply of whiskey and tea, poor Sirius would waste away. She had every intention on feeding him up.

Sirius seemed to like the ample supply of whiskey better than the homemade cake.

For the first time in Harry's entire visit, Sirius started to look rather irritated. Never one to hide his discomfort he suggested that they should take a long hiking holiday in the Lake District, before excessive cake stopped Aunt Marge getting herself through the front door.

Aunt Marge (who was impossible to offend) laughed hard, hit him, and ate more cake; agreeing to as many weeks holiday in the Lake District as was needed to put some colour in his cheeks.

.

"So what happened to your 'other' dogs, Aunt Marge?" Ginny asked, sipping her whiskey laced tea, politely.

Neither the now dog-less Aunt Marge nor Sirius corrected the use of 'other' dog.

Aunt Marge sniffed and straightened her back.

"It was very sad." She admitted. "Poor old Ripper! Heart Attack, the vets said. Not a mark on him but nothing they could do. None of them. Didn't listen to the first idiot that told us he was dead, drove him to for or five to be on the safe side, didn't we!"

"Of course." Sirius agreed, catching Harry's eye and smiling broadly at him.

"..._But I still have Sirius."_ Aunt Marge pointed out, pawing him with her fat sausage-like fingers in a way that made Harry feel actually physically sick. "_Thank goodness for you, Sirius!_" She cooed at him. "_What I would do without you?_

"…Although I like him more when he's a dog!" She added to Harry and Ginny, with a loud bark of laughter.

Sirius laughed.

_Actually laughed_.

"_I_ like _you_ more when I'm a dog!" He assured her.

They both laughed.

Harry and Ginny exchanged raised eyebrows.

"...So, Sirius, it would be nice to see you _on your own,_ some time." Harry said, abandoning good manners in his desperation. "If you're ever stuck _on your own,_ I mean. You never did like being on your own much, did you. So if you're stuck on your own, perhaps we could meet up?"

"Can't!" Aunt Marge shouted at him. "Stupid boy! We're going to the Lake District, are you deaf as well as imbecilic!? Couldn't tell you for how long. I suppose you could come to, for a week or something, if Sirius wants. A bit of fresh mountain air might do you some good. Skinny runt that you are... Much too skinny. Just like your father."

"I will actually punch you if you insult James." Sirius assured her.

Aunt Marge gave another loud bark of laughter.

"I'll hit you back, _harder!_" She shouted, rolling up her sleeve to demonstrate the strength in her fat right arm.

"…Although I like a bit of loyalty, Black." She added, after a moment. "That's what makes dogs better company than people. No loyalty, people! Dogs don't judge!"

Sirius settled back in his chair, tuning her out and pouring more whiskey into his tea. "…Yes, bring your girlfriend to the Lake District, Harry." She ordered him. "Buy a hat."

"Buy a hat?" Harry asked, politely.

"Ginger hair scares wildlife!" Aunt Marge informed them, matter of factly. "We can go shooting."

"Oh, yeah, Gingers scare animals. That is a well known truism!" Sirius agreed, with a shameless bark of laughter. "...animals and small children."

"You just made that up, purely to be offensive." Ginny said calmly. "Believe me, I've heard every 'red head' joke going, and that is probably the lamest, ever. It wasn't even witty."

"It's a fact, girl!" Aunt Marge shouted at her. "Buy a hat! ...Vernon was scared to death that Dudders would turn out ginger, Sirius, because of Petunia's ghastly sister." She added, to Sirius.

"But luckily 'Dudders' was just fat and ugly." Ginny muttered.

"And stupid." Harry said.

Sirius laughed. "And short." He added. "...James had a potion ready, in case Harry was a ginger!"

Aunt Marge roared with laughter.

"Better get some in case you two end up having children, Harry!" She snorted.

.

"When you've both finished." Ginny snapped, icily. "No; Harry and I won't be buying hats to come to the Lake District with you."

"Well, Harry doesn't need a hat!" Sirius pointed out, with a sparkling grin.

"And I think Ginny's hair is beautiful." Harry said, angrily. "And so was my mother's!"

"I do want you to come, Harry." Sirius said, trying really hard to stop laughing. "We were only being funny. You're so sensitive, Harry. James would have thought it was funny."

"Oh, well, if James would have thought it was funny!" Ginny snarled. "Maybe Harry should dangle me in the air and see how many people you can get to laugh at my underwear!"

"James was a perfect gentleman," Sirius pointed out. "He never dangled _girls_ in the air, to check out their underwear."

"I love that story about you dangling that snivelly wizard upside-down!" Aunt Marge laughed drunkenly, banging the table with a fat fist. "Tell that one again!"

"_Really_?" Harry demanded, glaring at Sirius. "_Really, Sirius!? _That is how you spend your time together, just telling horrible stories about all the 'funny' way's you've both picked on people smaller than you?"

"Harry, you _were_ a snivelly little cry-baby, when Ripper chased you up that tree!" Aunt Marge informed him. "You're so bloody sensitive! Are you going to start crying again?"

"I cried because I was three!" Harry cried, furiously.

"James never cried at _anything_." Sirius pointed out.

"_Ever!_" Ginny said; her sarcastic tone sharpened with annoyance. "Even when he was a newborn baby. And I'm sure _James_ would have been ever so happy to make his wife wear a hat and come to the Lake District with you, but Harry isn't James, _thank God!_ And we're leaving."

"...James wasn't under the thumb!" Sirius shouted after them, as Harry and Ginny let themselves out, closing the door on Sirius and Marge's drunken laughter.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Although this may look like a second chapter, I am pretty certain I don't need to feel freshly ashamed, because I wrote it all in one go.**

**I just thought you might like to know how Harry and Ginny got on when they went to the Lake District.**

**~o0o~**

Ginny spread marmalade on her toast and watched Harry reading what was most definitely a letter from Sirius. He read it through, twice, before he passed it over.

.

_Dear Harry,_

'_I am truly, utterly, and deeply sorry that you stormed out of our house yesterday. In retrospect I find it unlikely that James would ever have 'made Lily wear a hat' to hide what he also thought was a splendidly lovely hair colour._

_Although you probably don't want to spend time with your Godfather, now that you are eighteen and such a hero, I do seriously regret the years that I never had the chance to get to know you. I would love it, if you could spend a week with us during the holidays._

_By way of an apology I even sent you an owl that doesn't bite. I liked it's tufty feathers that look like hair - funny ginger hair, even. Try not to get too attached to it, Harry, so you can send me a reply._

_Your Godfather,_

_Sirius._

.

Ginny took a mouthful of toast and swallowed it before dropping the letter onto the table and passing her crust to the tufty owl. "No." She said, politely. "No, Harry. We spending a week with them _over my dead body."_

"But I need to talk some sense into him." Harry pointed out. "I really do. If she was a witch I'd think she'd cast a spell on him but she isn't… _It just doesn't make any sense, Ginny,_" he moaned for possibly the hundredth time.

"Maybe she's great in bed?" Ginny suggested, hiding her grin in a mug of coffee.

"And now I need to obliviate my mind," Harry grimaced. "What is wrong with you, Ginny?"

"Nothing. I just don't think you should interfere with the path of 'True Love'."

"It's not funny." Harry snapped. "Sirius is clearly insane, or having some sort of break down."

"Yeah. I always assumed he was gay." Ginny offered, watching Harry choked on his toast. "Oh, fine." She added. "Your Aunt doesn't scare me. We'll go and talk sense into him, but you'll owe me, Harry."

.

On the twenty second of July, Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione arrived in the Lake District.

"…Isn't the air lovely?" Hermione exclaimed, inhaling deeply as they peered around them. "We visited the Lakes when I was a child."

"It's air, Hermione." Ron pointed out. "It's the same everywhere. Where's Sirius and your aunty then, Harry?"

"I don't know." Harry peered tensely at the expanse of green countryside. "And she's not my real aunt."

"No. She's your soon to be Godmother!" Ginny sniggered.

"What matters is that he's happy." Hermione frowned at them both. "It doesn't matter what she looks like, Harry. If Sirius doesn't care about her looks or her weight, then good for him."

"Wait till you meet her." Ginny warned. "I'm all for dating ugly people. I chose Harry, didn't I?"

"Technically Harry chose you." Ron pointed out. "Although the point stands. And God knows why, he did, Ginny. Maybe he just wants me for a brother-in-law?"

"...Is that her?" Hermione interrupted, pointing at a stocky woman in a tweed skirt suit, with a cocked rifle over her arm.

"She's not going to shoot us, is she?" Ron asked, in alarm.

"I told you, you should have worn a hat, Ron." Hermione said sweetly, raising a hand to wave and going ahead of them to greet Aunt Marge.

.

"You must be that girl with the stupid name!" Aunt Marge cried, having squinted closely at Hermione's frizzy hair and front teeth. "Much better choice for Harry, I'll say!"

"I am _still here."_ Ginny snapped, flushing. "Hermione is Harry's _friend_. She's like a sister to him. They wanted to come with us, to see Sirius, and to meet you."

"Just like your parents, Harry!" Marge shouted at him. "Foisting uninvited guests on decent hard working people!"

"I'm so sorry my parents inconvenienced your brother by dying." Harry said. "Where's Sirius, Aunt Marge?"

"No idea, boy." Marge snapped. "Could be anywhere." And she turned away to call him loudly, like a dog, and fire her shotgun into the air.

.

"…Maybe Sirius is scared of her?" Ron hissed, flinching as the gun exploded again and Marge ejected the spent cartridges onto the ground.

"…It's Hermione." Hermione said. "My name. It's Greek."

"Geek!" Aunt Marge gave a boom of laughter. "How fitting... _Sirius! Sirius! The boy is here!_"

.

The distant speck of Padfoot appeared; a black streak, speeding through golden bracken. Flocks of sheep scattered, as he sprang over fences and through fields.

Padfoot, like his human counterpart, was beautiful. The bear-sized black dog landed on the path, skidding to a stop as he stumbled into his human form and threw his arms around his godson, laughing and panting heavily.

"You came, Harry!" He exclaimed, in delight. "And you brought Ron and Hermione!"

"And me." Ginny said. "Hopefully the wildlife will be able to handle it."

"They'll probably all be dead!" Sirius said, brightly. "Have you tried firing a gun, Harry? It's hilarious! Like casting a fatally powerful spell, without having to learn how to cast it, or even having to concentrate. You can do it after a bottle of Firewhiskey, with your eyes closed."

"…Right. I actually think this is a relationship made in heaven." Ron concluded. "So, Sirius, how did you two get together?"

"We just did." Sirius shrugged.

"_Amorentia_." Ginny hissed. "She got hold of some."

"He's jolly pleasing on the eye and he can turn into a dog!" Aunt Marge stated, briskly. "Dogs are nicer than people."

"Unless you're a fox, and their ganging up to tear you to pieces." Ginny suggested.

"Not a fan of hunting!" Aunt Marge barked. "Your loss, Prissy City-type!"

"Actually I grew up in the middle of the countryside." Ginny snapped, crossly.

Ron pulled his dropped jaw up, with effort. "Harry, she is _hilarious!_" He exclaimed. "...What are you shooting, Aunt Marge?"

"Pheasants!" Aunt Marge boomed. "We'll take a brace or three for supper! Shooting gives me an appetite!" She hit Sirius jovially on the arm and slung the gun back over her shoulder. Sirius hugged Harry again, transfigured into Padfoot and hared off into the distance.

.

"…Of course Sirius hasn't been shooting!" Aunt Marge shouted back at them. "Far too busy chasing rabbits! Not that he ever catches any! Too big to fit down any holes!"

"_She thinks Sirius is actually a dog_," Ginny hissed, pushing between Harry and her brother.

"Well, technically he probably was, if he was chasing rabbits." Ron pointed out. "Although that image is much funnier if he wasn't."

"None of it's funny." Harry snapped. "Being in Azkaban and The Veil has made him insane and we have to help him."

"Yeah, I don't think so." Ron said, watching Aunt Marge, marching ahead of them. "She's hysterical, Harry."

"Not on purpose," Harry pointed out, crossly. "And can you imagine going to bed with her?"

"_Harry, please!_" Hermione complained. "You don't have to be young and beautiful to be in a sexual relationship!"

"Or to be a decent human being." Ginny offered. "They'll probably be at it like rabbits, all weekend, Harry."

"Shut up, Ginny_!_" Harry howled. "What is wrong with you!? Sirius just likes… being with her... When he's a dog... Because she likes dogs... That's what it is."

"_Ew_." Ron laughed, hard. "I siriusly don't like what you're suggesting, Harry!"

"I am _not_ suggesting anything!" Harry exploded. "Just that she likes him when he's a dog and that he's gone insane. Not b_eing with her like that, ever, under any circumstances!"_

"Keep up!" Marge yelled at them.

"Why have I agreed to this?!" Ginny groaned. "Sirius doesn't need saving. We do."

"Keep _up_, Ginger!" Marge yelled. "Scared of a little fresh air!?"

"Someone is really going to need to confiscate Ginny's wand." Ron, concluded.

"I don't think so." Ginny growled.

"We might need our wands." Harry pointed out, firmly. "We've got one week to make Sirius see sense."


End file.
